(The classic JQ quartet--Jonny, Hadji, Dr. Quest, and Race, are scuffling about in a jungle, in search of rare plants.)
Race: You really think the flowering pteranadon shrub grows in these conditions?
Quest: Well, we have to try. Unless we can locate that plant, we will never be able to create the antidote to...
(Suddenly his video com beeps)
Quest: I'd better take this.
(He turns on the com and all gather around to stare into it. For a momet, no one says anything.)
Quest: That's unusual.
Race: What is it, Dr. Quest?
Quest: I don't know, Race, but it seems to be molesting my parapower ray gun. Oh well, I'll just alert the guards...
(Dr. Zin bursts suddenly out of the bushes. He holds in his hand a small remote control, with which he flies a small helicoptor. The helicoptor hooks the com and flies away. All look after it)
Zin: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Quest: Curse you, Zin, and...
(A violent crashing starts up in the background, headed for them through the trees.)
Zin: Hm.
Quest: Part of your plan, Zin?
Zin: Not mine.
Race: Then who...?
(Rachel Quest bursts out of the forest, bradishing a repeating sentimentality rifle. With her is Jessie, carrying a political correctness cannon. They take aim at Quest.)
Rachel: Join us, Benton.
Jessie: Join us.
Hadji: Who... What are they?
Rachel: We are the token females.
Jessie: Token.
Rachel: Join us, as your colleagues have done already.
Jessie: Join usss...
(Enter Jade from the brush. She is contorted, caught between suave '60s Jade and helpless Golden Quest-era Jade)
Race: My god, Jade. What have they done to you?
Jade: Run... boys... before they get you too...
Race: I can't leave you like this.
Zin: Er... I could...
(He begins backing away)
Jade (with tears in her voice): Race
Race: Jade?
Jade: Race... do you... remember... that time I killed a leopard with a handgun?
Race: I remember.
Jade: That was... pretty awesome.
(She falls to the ground, does a little convulsive twitching, then morphs completely into worthless Jade. At the same time, Rachel opens fire on Jonny, who falls)
Remaining Quest trio: Jonny!
Zin: My god.
(Jonny sits up. He looks about dizzily, climbing to his feet. He spots his father)
Jonny: Dad?
Quest: Son?
Jonny: You... you killed Mom.
Quest: Excuse me?
Jonny: It's your fault she's dead! You should have just shot him!
(Points at Zin, who jumps back defensively)
Zin: I had nothing to do with this!
Quest: What are you talking about? She died at the hands of Russian agents! I wasn't even in the room!
Jonny: That was never canon!
Quest: We implied it. If we'd implied it any harder we'd be Scooby-blinking-doo.
(Jonny kicks him in the shin and runs to Rachel)
Jonny: Mom! Mom!
Quest: That's not your mother! I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Jonny: She is my mother! You just don't love her! Or me! You don't know how to love!
Hadji: Dr. Quest! That gun... it's loaded with ANGST!
(Rachel and Jessie aim their weapons at Quest)
Race: Dr. Quest, Hadji, run!
(He flings himself in front of the guns as Quest, Hadji, and Zin flee. Race, struck, falls to the ground beside Jade in a flaily pile of ineffectual. Meanwhile, the trio crashes through the brush)
Hadji: We're all gonna die we're all gonna die we're all gonna...
Quest: We won't.
(Hadji looks back, and a stray shot ricochets off the gem of his turban. The shot strikes Zin in the shoulder. He screams and stumbles)
Hadji: Nooo!
(He tries to drag Zin along after, but already Zin is transforming into ancient psycho asthmatic Zin)
Zin: Help me... please help... I can't... must slaughter.... my own minions... no good reason...
(He grabs Hadji's arm)
Quest: Hadji!
Zin: Logic... Logic is fading...
(He is fully transformed into Golden Quest-era Zin, complete with lung problems. Dr. Quest grabs Hadji and begins hauling him along)
Hadji: Dr. Quest, no! We have to help him!
Quest: Forget him, he's lost.
(They run on, but suddenly a cannon blast explodes a few feet from Hadji. He shrieks)
Hadji: Something bit me!
Quest: No... no... No!
(He hauls Hadji up on his back and staggers on. A sentimentality bullet strikes him in the shoulder he falls)
Hadji: Dr. Quest! Dr. Quest, speak to me!
(Quest coughs)
Quest: Ow.
Hadji: Get up, Dr. Quest. You have to get up.
(He tries and fails)
Quest: We have to take the cyanide pills.
Hadji: No. No!... Wait. You have cyanide pills?
Quest: In case I ever fell into the hands of enemy agents.
Hadji: You did that, like, thirty different times.
Quest: That was then, this is now! It's the only way. If we don't do it now, it's space next, Hadji, understand? We'll have our own orbiting space station and I can't go like that. We have to end this now.
Hadji: But I want to live, Dr. Quest. I want to live.
Quest: You'll be conducting Roman sewer ghosts. You'll magic-gem them into attacking one villanous henchman, and then it'll never be mentioned again. Can you live like that? Can you?
Hadji: I...
Quest: Answer me!
Hadji: I... I... No.
(Quest takes out two pills. They each crush one between their teeth)
Quest: I'm sorry it had to end this way, Hadji.
Hadji: Me, too.
(After a moment, Hadji stops moving)
Quest: I guess I'll never know if there could have been a live action movie.
(Pause)
Quest: Thank god.
(He dies. After a moment Rachel and Jessie enter. Rachel kicks Quest's foot)
Rachel: Well, bummer. He's dead.
Jessie: Oh well. I got a better idea, anyway. Let's do a live action Scooby-Doo movie and make Mr. Messick cry.
Rachel: What an idea!
Jessie: We'll have to exchange our guns in for farting sound effects and bad CGI, but I think it's a solid trade.
Rachel: You're simply brilliant, m'dear.
Jessie: Why, thank you.
(They link arms)
Jessie: So what do you think of the name Mary Jane?
(exit both. Fin.)
Race: You really think the flowering pteranadon shrub grows in these conditions?
Quest: Well, we have to try. Unless we can locate that plant, we will never be able to create the antidote to...
(Suddenly his video com beeps)
Quest: I'd better take this.
(He turns on the com and all gather around to stare into it. For a momet, no one says anything.)
Quest: That's unusual.
Race: What is it, Dr. Quest?
Quest: I don't know, Race, but it seems to be molesting my parapower ray gun. Oh well, I'll just alert the guards...
(Dr. Zin bursts suddenly out of the bushes. He holds in his hand a small remote control, with which he flies a small helicoptor. The helicoptor hooks the com and flies away. All look after it)
Zin: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Quest: Curse you, Zin, and...
(A violent crashing starts up in the background, headed for them through the trees.)
Zin: Hm.
Quest: Part of your plan, Zin?
Zin: Not mine.
Race: Then who...?
(Rachel Quest bursts out of the forest, bradishing a repeating sentimentality rifle. With her is Jessie, carrying a political correctness cannon. They take aim at Quest.)
Rachel: Join us, Benton.
Jessie: Join us.
Hadji: Who... What are they?
Rachel: We are the token females.
Jessie: Token.
Rachel: Join us, as your colleagues have done already.
Jessie: Join usss...
(Enter Jade from the brush. She is contorted, caught between suave '60s Jade and helpless Golden Quest-era Jade)
Race: My god, Jade. What have they done to you?
Jade: Run... boys... before they get you too...
Race: I can't leave you like this.
Zin: Er... I could...
(He begins backing away)
Jade (with tears in her voice): Race
Race: Jade?
Jade: Race... do you... remember... that time I killed a leopard with a handgun?
Race: I remember.
Jade: That was... pretty awesome.
(She falls to the ground, does a little convulsive twitching, then morphs completely into worthless Jade. At the same time, Rachel opens fire on Jonny, who falls)
Remaining Quest trio: Jonny!
Zin: My god.
(Jonny sits up. He looks about dizzily, climbing to his feet. He spots his father)
Jonny: Dad?
Quest: Son?
Jonny: You... you killed Mom.
Quest: Excuse me?
Jonny: It's your fault she's dead! You should have just shot him!
(Points at Zin, who jumps back defensively)
Zin: I had nothing to do with this!
Quest: What are you talking about? She died at the hands of Russian agents! I wasn't even in the room!
Jonny: That was never canon!
Quest: We implied it. If we'd implied it any harder we'd be Scooby-blinking-doo.
(Jonny kicks him in the shin and runs to Rachel)
Jonny: Mom! Mom!
Quest: That's not your mother! I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Jonny: She is my mother! You just don't love her! Or me! You don't know how to love!
Hadji: Dr. Quest! That gun... it's loaded with ANGST!
(Rachel and Jessie aim their weapons at Quest)
Race: Dr. Quest, Hadji, run!
(He flings himself in front of the guns as Quest, Hadji, and Zin flee. Race, struck, falls to the ground beside Jade in a flaily pile of ineffectual. Meanwhile, the trio crashes through the brush)
Hadji: We're all gonna die we're all gonna die we're all gonna...
Quest: We won't.
(Hadji looks back, and a stray shot ricochets off the gem of his turban. The shot strikes Zin in the shoulder. He screams and stumbles)
Hadji: Nooo!
(He tries to drag Zin along after, but already Zin is transforming into ancient psycho asthmatic Zin)
Zin: Help me... please help... I can't... must slaughter.... my own minions... no good reason...
(He grabs Hadji's arm)
Quest: Hadji!
Zin: Logic... Logic is fading...
(He is fully transformed into Golden Quest-era Zin, complete with lung problems. Dr. Quest grabs Hadji and begins hauling him along)
Hadji: Dr. Quest, no! We have to help him!
Quest: Forget him, he's lost.
(They run on, but suddenly a cannon blast explodes a few feet from Hadji. He shrieks)
Hadji: Something bit me!
Quest: No... no... No!
(He hauls Hadji up on his back and staggers on. A sentimentality bullet strikes him in the shoulder he falls)
Hadji: Dr. Quest! Dr. Quest, speak to me!
(Quest coughs)
Quest: Ow.
Hadji: Get up, Dr. Quest. You have to get up.
(He tries and fails)
Quest: We have to take the cyanide pills.
Hadji: No. No!... Wait. You have cyanide pills?
Quest: In case I ever fell into the hands of enemy agents.
Hadji: You did that, like, thirty different times.
Quest: That was then, this is now! It's the only way. If we don't do it now, it's space next, Hadji, understand? We'll have our own orbiting space station and I can't go like that. We have to end this now.
Hadji: But I want to live, Dr. Quest. I want to live.
Quest: You'll be conducting Roman sewer ghosts. You'll magic-gem them into attacking one villanous henchman, and then it'll never be mentioned again. Can you live like that? Can you?
Hadji: I...
Quest: Answer me!
Hadji: I... I... No.
(Quest takes out two pills. They each crush one between their teeth)
Quest: I'm sorry it had to end this way, Hadji.
Hadji: Me, too.
(After a moment, Hadji stops moving)
Quest: I guess I'll never know if there could have been a live action movie.
(Pause)
Quest: Thank god.
(He dies. After a moment Rachel and Jessie enter. Rachel kicks Quest's foot)
Rachel: Well, bummer. He's dead.
Jessie: Oh well. I got a better idea, anyway. Let's do a live action Scooby-Doo movie and make Mr. Messick cry.
Rachel: What an idea!
Jessie: We'll have to exchange our guns in for farting sound effects and bad CGI, but I think it's a solid trade.
Rachel: You're simply brilliant, m'dear.
Jessie: Why, thank you.
(They link arms)
Jessie: So what do you think of the name Mary Jane?
(exit both. Fin.)